


Kairos Theodosian and the Make-A-Wish-Foundation

by Lord_Chungus



Category: A Practical Guide to Evil - erraticerrata, Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Amadeus isn't even there and he still gets roasted, Crack, Crack Crossover, Gen, Magical Girl Kairos-Chan, Pure Crack, you don't need to know anything about PMMM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 14:55:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17061884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_Chungus/pseuds/Lord_Chungus
Summary: Kairos Theodosian, Tyrant of Helike, becomes a Magical Girl. Don't worry, no one else knows what's happening either.No knowledge of PMMM required.





	Kairos Theodosian and the Make-A-Wish-Foundation

**Author's Note:**

> I made this for the APGTE discord, as we had resolved to release a fan-work every day EE would have updated until Book 5 starts.  
> All you need to know about PMMM is that people become magical girls by making WIshes. That's it.
> 
> Enjoy!

Kairos Theodosion lounged on a throne of gold, alone in his tent. There were no magical gargoyles or mad Bellerophons by his side, an unfortunate yet necessary predicament. Bored, he siped at a fizzy orange drink, liquid splashing onto his shirt as his hand shook. “Who made this?” he asked no one, as the amount of people in the room had not changed. “Whoever it is, don’t kill their family.”

He paused. “Or maybe I _should_ kill their family, to motivate them to create something better? They say that the best art is made when depressed, after all. Oh, it’s such a conundrum!”

He frowned, and checked the enchanted bracelet he had serving as a watch. “And where is my guest? He should be here any minute.”

“ _Hello there, Kairos Theodosian,”_ a voice spoke into the Tyrant’s head. “ _My apologies for the delay, but I had other matters to attend to.”_

A furry white creature emerged from the shadows, tail swishing as its pink eyes stared at Kairos.

“Hi there, Kyubey,” the boy said. “Or would you prefer if I called you Incubator?”

“ _I have no preference one way or the other,”_ Kyubey replied.

Kairos pouted. “Aww, you’re no fun. Alright then, Inkyubey, what do you say we get down to business?”

“ _There is no business to get down to. You have nothing to offer me, and I have nothing to offer you.”_

Kairos smiled, grinning wildly as his eye flashed red. “Oh, but I think you do. What’s your job again?”

“ _I seek to reduce the universe’s entropy via encouraging-”_

“No, no, I meant the magical thing.” Kairos sighed and rubbed his forehead, dark hair falling over his tanned face. “You really are a party pooper, if you’ll excuse my language. Honestly, do you have to ruin everything?”

“ _Yes,”_ Kyubey simply replied. “ _Doing so generates despair, which can be used to combat entropy. It is simply efficient.”_

“Well, good on you for having a goal, but you’ll get tedious rather quickly.” Kairos squinted, staring closer at Kyubey before snapping his fingers. “You know who you remind me of? The Black Knight!”

“ _Is the resemblance physical in nature?”_ asked Kyubey, letting his four-legged body fall down to the floor. He rested there, curled up and staring at Kairos as the mad ruler checked for similarities.

Pale, white body colour, beady eyes that stare into your soul, small… “Yep,” Kairos responded. “You look exactly like him!”

“ _However unlikely that is, I will be forced to take your word for it. Now, you mentioned something about business?”_

Kairos clapped his hands together. “Right! The way I see it, we can really help each other! You can help me, and I make your job easier by - well, by existing, really. _Lots_ of people end up suffering when someone like me takes the wheel.”

Kyubey stared at Kairos, head tilted as he considered the boy’s proposal. “ _I see.”_

“So then what do you think, _friend_?” Kairos said, leaning forward in his throne. His smile bared too many teeth to be friendly, his eye pulsed red, and his hand shook like crazy  “Shall we work together?”

But Kyubey shook his head. “ _I fail to see how such a partnership could function. You will continue to cause suffering without my help, as will the rest of the major players, and I will leech off the world as you all tear it to shreds.”_

Kyubey got up, turning his back to Kairos. “ _Besides, I fail to see how you would benefit from an alliance. I do not trust you to respect such a partnership when you stand to gain nothing.”_

Kairos laughed, shoulders trembling as he roared with laughter. “So that’s it?” he said. “You don’t trust me?”

“ _You stand to gain nothing,”_  Kyubey clarified. “ _There is no way I could possibly help you.”_

“Oh, but there is,” Kairos raised himself out of his throne, striding forward to kneel beside Kyubey. “There’s one big, _gigantic_ way you can help me.”

Kairos reached down, running his hand along Kyubey’s fur. His hand had stopped trembling.

“I just need to make a **Wish**.”

 

* * *

 

Hanno of Ashur crept through the Stygian camp, the other three heroes following him. Theirs was a dangerous mission, to sneak into the Stygian camp and kill the Magisters in charge, but if they succeeded then Nicae’s chances got a whole lot better.

“Thirty minutes,” Hanno told the Valiant Champion and Hedge Wizard, making sure to keep his voice low. “After that, make as much noise as possible.”

“Rafaella make many noise!” said the Valiant Champion, helpfully speaking at a volume a normal person would consider light shouting. “But we really must wait for minutes? Rafaella ready now!”

“Yes, we _do_ have to wait,” whispered the Hedge Wizard. “The whole purpose of a distraction, Champion, is that we draw their attention while White and Priestess kill the Magisters.”

“Why _me_ not kill magisters?” the Levantine woman asked. “I _good_ at killing things!”

Sensing the beginning of another argument, Hanno stepped in. “Yes, we know, but we need you to hold back the brunt of the Stygian forces. There will be a bigger fight there.”

“Then let’s go,” said the Ashen Priestess. “Quickly, before anyone spots us.”

Hanno stiffened. _Did she really just say that,_ he thought to himself, awaiting their now-imminent discovery.

“HALT, FOUL INTRUDERS!”

Three of the four heroes startled, and they all turned to face the source of the voice. It was hard for them to make the figure out in the moonlight, but with a sliver of power sent to their eyes they saw…

“Tyrant?” said the Ashen Priestess. It was indeed the Tyrant of Helike standing on top of the palisades, but he looked… _different_. Gone were the robes and jewels, enchanted artifacts and magical luxuries. Instead, his outfit was remarkably… _frilly._

“What,” the Hedge Wizard flatly stated.

What indeed. Kairos Theodosian, Tyrant of Helike, stood before them in a frilly skirt, the pink dress clashing with his olive skin. His white boots went up to his knees, and the dress had a pattern resembling a corset on the midsection.

“What the fuck,” Hedge continued. “ _Why?_ ”

“No swearing!” Kairos shouted, brandishing a white scepter at the band of incredibly confused heroes.

“What the fuck!” Hedge repeated. “ _Why?_ ”

Kairos narrowed his eyes. “Alright then, you despicable trouble-makers! I, Magical Girl Kairos Theodosion, will punish your wicked deeds and defend the innocent, law-abiding Stygians!”

“Innocent!?” Hedge screamed, voice cracking. “Law-abiding? They’re mass-murdering slavers!”

“Which is perfectly fine under Stygian law,” corrected Kairos.

“They're _invading Nicae_ ,” the Ashen Priestess insisted.

“Also legal. Now, begone with you!”

“Yes!” shouted the Champion. “Now, we of good part! Let us do fighting, Magic Boy!”

Kairos smiled. “Alright then, brutal murderer!” He twirled his staff. “Pacifism _cannon!_ ”

A beam of pink energy shot out of his scepter, hitting Champion with a boom. The other three heroes shielded their eyes.

“Rafaella!” shouted Priestess, coughing dust. She _slammed_ the butt of her staff into the ground and the dust cleared, revealing Champion holding a bunch of puppies where her sword and shield used to be.

“What you do!” she shouted at Kairos, dropping the puppies. She tries to step forward, but stopped. If she dropped her foot, she’d crush a puppy.

“Don’t,” said Hedge.

“But kill pink boy,” responded Champion.

“You’ll crush puppies!”

“I CRUSH KAIROS!”

Hedge opened her mouth to respond, but raucous laughter stopped her in her tracks. It was Kairos, trying not to fall off the wooden structure as he bent over laughing. “You know, you’re just doing my job for me. You’re _literally_ trying to kick puppies! Even _I_ don’t do that!”

“Oh shut up!” said the Priestess. “We know you’re still evil, stop pretending you’re some sort of hero!”

Kairos grinned. “Oh, but I am! I’m Magical Girl Kairos Theodosion, defender of the innocent, the scepter of justice!”

Throughout the entire debacle, Hanno had stayed silent, but at this he began to tremble. “I do not judge,” he reminded himself through gritted teeth. “I do not judge.”

“Of course you don’t!” screamed Kairos. “You do not judge, for you are unjust!”

All noise in the camp came to a screeching halt. Everyone stopped to stare at Kairos, smiling triumphantly. Hedge, Priestess, and Champion (still standing in a pile of puppies, a single foot lifted off the ground) slowly turned their gazes towards Hanno, awaiting his reaction.

He said nothing.

“W-White-“ Hedge started, to say, but her sister silenced her with a glare.

The White Knight raised a trembling hand, palm open, and in it the Will of the Heavens formed into a single coin. “I do not judge,” he says, voice shaky. “But They shall.”

He flipped the coin, and all present watched in tense silence as the coin flew through the air. Beams of moonlight bounced off it, angelic power making the coin incredibly reflective.

It reached the height of its arc, glinting in the moonlight under the attention of the five Named present.

It began to fall down, turning over and over in the cool night air. The heroes stared at the Coin, watching it fall down towards Hanno’s palm.

“Come on,” whispered Hedge. “Guilty, guilty, guilty.”

“Innocent, Innocent, innocent,” whispered Kairos.

They all waited with bated breath as the landed-

In the outstretched palm of a Bellerophon man.

“Money Is A Tool Of The Elites To Enslave The Masses,” declared Anaxares. “The coin shall be confiscated and destroyed, as is the law of Mighty Bellerophon, First and Greatest Of The Free Cities.”

All present stared at the man in diplomat’s robes who just took Hanno’s Coin. “B-but I-he just-you can’t-“ The Hedge Wizard sputtered, unable to process the insanity of the situation.

“You can’t _do_ that!” shouted Hanno.

“I can,” Anaxares replied, unmoved. “In fact, as I am obligated to under Bellerophon law, I would be hung for not doing so.”

“That is the _Choir of Judgement made manifest!_ ”

“It is a Tool Of Wicked Foreign Oligarchs, nothing more.”

Hanno stared at Anaxares, eyes wide. Anaxares stared back, unmoving.

Hanno’s eyes rolled into the back of his head, and he collapsed to the ground.

“He is dead,” Anaxares declared, not even bothering to check for a pulse. “This man has Realized He Is A Tool Of Oppression and has chosen to have an aneurysm and die, saving his executioners the work of killing him. For his selfless act, he shall be sentenced to only _two_ hangings.” He nodded sagely. “Justice has been served, Long Live Bellerophon.”

The three remaining heroes stared at the madman standing over Hanno’s… unconscious body, they guessed, seeing as he was still breathing. They turned to look at each other, and, reaching a silent agreement to never speak of these events ever again, sprinted away from the Stygian camp as fast as they could go.

The two remaining madmen watched the Heroes retreat into the distance. “So how do I look?” asked Kairos, turning to Anaxares and striking a pose.

The Bellerophon man took a moment to think. “Like you are about to Suppress The Will Of The People."

Kairos smiled, and began the walk back to his tent. “You flatter me.”


End file.
